Day 5

For years I have struggled. Stared at others in envy, even my own family members. I would wish, pray, cast spells-anything I could do to rid myself of my worst enemy. At least that is how I saw it. Then I realized something. I was NEVER going to have the proverbial moment I had been waiting for. I was never going to wake up one day and just decide that I didn't want to smoke. I was going to have to take a proactive approach. I was going to have to battle the beast knowing that in my heart I really wish I could smoke. At least that is what I thought when I began this journey 5 days ago.
Ok so many of us smokers have tried to quit more then once. I am one of those. When I was in my 20's I quit because I wanted to have babies-it was HARD-I swore I would never smoke again. This was the beginning of a desperate cycle that little did I know was just starting. More about that later. Fast forward to present time. I am the mom of 3 beautiful healthy kids. As I approach my 40's (just turned 38)-the reality began to set in. It is possible that I won't live to see my grandkids. It is possible that I won't live to see my own kids grown up. Don't get me wrong, I am a realist. I am well aware that whether or not I smoke I could die prematurely or suddenly. But the more I began to come to grips with what I was CHOOSING to do to myself the more determined I became. I knew what to expect-I would pick a date-then my brain would try to change the date until eventually 6 months would go by and I would still be smoking. So when I woke up at 2 am on January 6th with my brain making excuses as to why I should not quit-I apparently(according to my husband who was sound asleep) Yelled a resounding NO!!
So here we are-it is January 10th. My last cigarette was smoked January 5th at 10:30 pm. I need you to know I actually woke myself to have that cigarette. Kinda sad...I basically created this blog so that I had somewhere to put down my thoughts and to monitor my own progress. I will blog more on the steps I have taken to quit(some quite drastic)-in the mean time I am about 120 hours in-I have not cheated even once. I am proud-but not stupid. This battle has just begun.